ONE Simple Word Swap That Makes Difficult Conversations Easier

Have you ever shared an idea with your team, your boss, or a colleague—only to be met with resistance instead of support?

Or maybe you’ve noticed that you’re the one feeling resistant when someone brings you an idea.

You’re not alone. In fact, research shows that poor communication is responsible for 70% of corporate errors (Gartner Research).

 Think about that—not bad strategy, not lack of talent— just miscommunication.

And one of the biggest communication breakdowns happens in moments of pushback.

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Why Pushback Happens

According to Dr. Robert Cialdini, bestselling author and leading expert on persuasion and influence, people don’t just resist ideas—they resist feeling controlled.

The moment someone feels like they’re being pushed, their brain registers it as a threat. Their defenses go up, and even the best-intentioned conversations can quickly turn into power struggles.

But what if there were a simple way to keep the conversation open—without triggering defensiveness?

The Power of the Agreement Frame

One of the simplest and most effective tools I’ve seen in leadership, coaching, and collaboration is called The Agreement Frame.

Here’s how it works. Write these three phrases down—or type them in your notes:

• I appreciate, and…
  
• I agree, and…
• I respect, and…
  

Notice the word “AND”.

Most people say things like, “I appreciate you, but…”, or “I agree with you, but…”.

The problem? The word “but” negates everything that was said before it.

“And” keeps the conversation open. It acknowledges their perspective while adding yours.

Real-Life Examples

Let's do an experiment together. Take a moment to read these examples. As you do, notice how they land in your body.

Do you notice any difference at all between the "but" and "and" versions?
Maybe in your breathing, posture, or overall sensation?

Example 1: Leading a Team Discussion

🚫 “I hear what you’re saying, but here’s why I think this approach could work.”
✅ “I hear what you’re saying, and here’s why I think this approach could work.”

Example 2: Giving Feedback

🚫 “You did a great job on this, but there are a few things that could make it even stronger.”
✅ “You did a great job on this, and there are a few things that could make it even stronger.”

Example 3: Pitching an Idea

🚫 “That’s an interesting perspective, but here’s what I’d like to add.”
✅ “That’s an interesting perspective, and here’s what I’d like to add.”

Why This Works: The Science Behind It

When someone hears “but,” their brain perceives rejection. It feels like you’re dismissing or overriding their contribution, which triggers defensiveness and shuts down engagement.

On the other hand, “and” feels like an expansion. It keeps the door open for dialogue, collaboration, and forward movement.

How to Apply This in Your Next Conversation

If you want to take this even further, ask yourself: 

• What might this person care about or value?
  

• How might it feel to be in their shoes?
  

• How can I align my message with their priorities?
  
• How can I acknowledge their view while still steering the conversation forward?
  

Here’s your invitation:

Catch yourself the next time you say “but,” and try swapping it for “and.”

Try it in your next meeting, in a conversation with a friend or family member, or even in an email or text.

And when you do—I’d love to hear how it goes. You can share your story at [email protected].

Sending you love 💛🌷